Life changed pretty quickly for us last year. We found out we were/are expecting our fourth child, and since it was not planned it came as a bit of a, shall we say, surprise. As a result, I went back to work full time (virtually immediately) and so life changed for everyone in the family fairly quickly and dramatically. My kids were 6, 4 and 2 ½ when I started back at work and while it affected all of us, my four year old was almost 5, so almost starting school which is a whole new season of life for him and us all anyway. (They’re now 7, 5 and 3 and happy to report that months down the track they are all FINE).
It’s not the first time I’ve been back at work since having kids. I’ve been back after all three of my babies, in different capacities and I thought I’d share my experiences to date…
First time around I went back when my son was one. It broke my heart. Bit of an understatement. I was in absolute tears when I met with his first porse carer. But she understood, she had been there. She knew exactly what I was going through and was determined to make the transition easy for all of us, bless her. I went back to work four days a week in the city which saw me leave home at 7 am and get home at 6 (at best). Some days I would leave the house before he was even awake, and get home as he was going to bed. I was racked with guilt and felt awful to my boy who was my world, and I his at that point. However, after the first couple months getting used to things it was clear he was happy and it gave him and his dad great bonding time as he did the drop offs and pick ups. In time I learnt to enjoy being in an office environment. Having adult conversations and having a coffee or going to the toilet by myself when I wanted to as well was a real novelty. But the guilt was there for sure. Guilt that I wasn’t there with my son. Guilt that I always had to leave the office bang on a certain time or I’d miss my train home and completely not see my son awake that day…
We missed each other and most nights I’d have to cuddle or sing him to sleep, which also would result in my falling asleep on his bed, only to wake up and have to put myself to bed, and get up and do it all over again the next day. It was a total blur. I worked through my second pregnancy during this time, having another baby when my eldest was two. I was delighted to be at home with him again, but the dynamics this time were quite different as we adjusted to our new life as a family of four. And that’s another post for another day.
When my second son was around 6 months old I started taking on some contract work here and there. It was mainly from home and through old colleagues. 15 hours a week doesn’t sound like much but when you’re juggling two kids, breastfeeding, night wake ups, running the household and doing everything else, it’s hard to find that time during the week. It was exhausting but I kept at it because we had the mentality that I may as well while the work was there. Make hay while the sun shines so to speak. Part time work in theory is great, but giving a little bit of yourself to everyone is hard enough just with two kids, let alone when you have deadlines to meet from a work perspective. Working at night once the kids go to bed also sounds like the ideal scenario, until you do it. Your partner comes home from work and wants to unwind and spend time with you, and murphys law will come into play that the nights you especially need to get things done one of your kids will be needing you the most and you’ll end up getting bugger all done! It was around this time that I was suffering from adrenal fatigue as well. Looking back I know how this was from post natal depletion, my body had gone through so much growing two babies and I hadn’t spent any time taking care of myself. I was running on empty and my health was suffering as a result. So this juggling act was particularly hard when on some days, I felt like I’d been hit by a bus! Again – another post for another day.
When my third son was 9 months I took on a permanent part time role which saw me in the city one day a week and the rest of the time working from home. That’s all fine but add in three drop offs/picks ups, no real training or support just being expected to know what to do and how to do it, juggling all the family responsibilities and trying to be a half decent mum it became apparent that I was operating at about 60% in all aspects of my life and let me tell you, that’s not a fun way to feel. I felt like I was constantly treading water and struggling to meet all my commitments. My boss even commented that I ‘had a lot on’. Well yes, anyone with kids especially multiple kids has a lot on. It was a mutual decision to part ways. I felt like I wasn’t performing and definitely got the impression that they felt very much the same way. I also felt guilty for putting my baby, which at that point we thought was our last baby, in the care of someone else at 9 months old. However, she had previously been a carer through porse for our middle child and at least I felt comfortable because I already knew he was being well looked after there.
All of these experiences though made me quite nervous and apprehensive about going back to work full time again. I’m talking five days a week. I’m sure many can relate. But since I’ve been doing it for a few months now (edit – it’s now 6 I’m a little slow in posting this) I can tell you unequivocally that a) it’s not actually that bad b) in fact it’s so much easier than being a SAHM mum c) being able to talk to other adults instead of arguing with kids is rather pleasant and d) the guilt factor isn’t really there so much this time around.
Perhaps it’s because I have an end date in sight with the birth of this child (until I go back after this baby), perhaps it’s because I know I don’t really have an option right now and need to do the best I can for our new baby and sons, or perhaps because I’m enjoying how much easier and less stressful working life is. But also, because I’m in the office five days a week automatically gone is the guilt factor that I’m not doing enough. I am doing enough. Of course I could always do more but I take my laptop home and do work in the evenings when I need to. My bosses are cool with that. They’ve all got lives outside of work, some also with young kids, so they totally get that my first job is a Mum. And I’m sure their wives would go into bat for me if need be too!
I’m still getting time with the kids, sure it’s not as much as I, or they would like. And that hurts. Of course I’d love to be there with them all the time, although two are at school now anyway. But I think what’s also made the transition easier is the fact that we made the decision to get an Au Pair so that the kids could have a settled home environment and be in their own space as much as possible. We try and coordinate our work days so someone starts work at 7 and is home by 430 so one of us is with them in the mornings, and one of us is home in the afternoon to do the homework, sports, bath, dinner etc before bedtime. Thankfully, both of our workplaces have the tools to be able to do work outside of the office so we can make this happen. I’ve been in the position where I haven’t been able to do this with other companies, and it makes it so much harder.
I’m not saying that my job doesn’t have stresses, of course it does, most jobs do. But it is far less stressful than being a SAHM who has the beautiful and blessed monotony of the same daily tasks day in and day out. The relentlessness of the washing is still there. There are still hungry mouths that cry ‘Muuuuuuum I’m hungry’ even though they’ve eaten five minutes ago. There is still housework to be done, dishes to do, boring chores that no-one really likes but begrudgingly has to do. There is still arguing and fighting between the kids that drives me a little crazy. Some things will never change. And in some ways, that’s comforting. Because that chaos is all part of being a family. But contrary to popular belief, stay at home mumming isn’t all lunches and lattes. Sure, you get to meet up with friends and take the kids to a playground or for a bike ride at the park or something, but that’s not every day – and you’re doing it for your own sanity as much as a nice thing to do with your kid. And those chores don’t magically do themselves.
I know Mum guilt is so hard to avoid. It’s around us all the time and Dad’s seemingly don’t seem to get it. It’s easy to feel like you’re not going a good enough job in one or more areas of your life. But stop and think about what you’re comparing yourself to. Where do the ideals come from that are making you feel like you don’t measure up? Someone you know may look like they’ve got their shit together and are totally nailing the juggling act that is working mum life, but I guarantee you they’ll tell you they don’t have the balance right. I’m not sure that there is a ‘right’ way to juggle it all. I think there’s just an element of we’re doing the best we can, with the tools that we have, at this particular time. And to be honest, I think that’s all we can ask for. And trust me when I tell you, if you have multiple kids you literally will not having any spare time to try and compare yourself to someone else. Because you have none! And what little time you have you may use to binge watch something on Netflix to help unwind, like shows you prob should’ve watched years ago (Gossip Girl anyone? Totally miss my date nights with Chuck Bass, just sayin’).
As women it’s so challenging because we feel certain pressures and expectations to do it all, be it all, have it all…But in reality if you drill down into it, all we really need to feel like we are doing it all, is love from our kids at the end of the day (and the paycheck, we’ve all got bills Karen). A good quote I read the other day that’s done the rounds is; We expect women to work like they don’t have children, and to raise children like they don’t work. And that’s so accurate! It’s bloody hard being a SAHM, and it’s bloody hard being a working mum. No one necessarily has it easier (though tbh I find it easier doing the working mum thing personally).
So if you can, cut yourself some slack and let go of the guilt. We can only do our best. Your best may look different from my best and that’s a-okay. That’s kind of the point. There shouldn’t be this invisible yard stick that we feel we need to measure up to. ‘Cause lets face it, there aint no hood like motherhood and it’s the hardest, most beautifully chaotic, challenging and simultaneously soul nurturing role there is. Whether you’re a SAHM or a working Mum, we’re all MOTHERS who desperately love their kids and want to do the best they can to equip them with what they need to be fully functioning, independent and confident people who can contribute to the world positively. You don’t stop being a Mum just because you go to work. And your work doesn’t stop if you’re a SAHM. Our role is to do the best we can by our children, and that’s a look that is different on everyone.
If you’re nervous about returning to work I can give the following advice;
-Take it easy on yourself, you’re learning how to navigate through this new season of life
-It’s really not that bad (unless you hate your job in which case make it a priority to find a new one – I’m a recruiter so I can probably help you there…)
-In my experience working full time is far easier and far less stressful than working part time
-Your kids will be just fine, they’re learning resilience and adaptability and that’s not a bad thing
-You’ll get to go to the toilet by yourself in the office. Every. Single. Time.
-Find a place where they encourage flexibility, most companies do these days
-It’s okay to have your own life and entity outside of being Mum
-No one yells ‘wipe my bum’ at you in the office (or if they are I’d be quite concerned)
-You might just get to visit cafes or restaurants for work sometimes and without a kid in tow its actually pretty enjoyable
-There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with wanting to, or not wanting to work. If you go back to work and you don’t actually need to financially, it doesn’t make you a ‘bad mom’. On the contrary, showing your kids you have an interest outside of the house can be quite inspiring
-Whatever you’re doing, enjoy it. Life’s too short to work with people you don’t like, or to take on too much stress. Look for a new job if you need to
-Try and find that mythical balance and what that means to you
-Know that your kids are going to be just fine and make sure you’re present in the time that you get to spend with them
Thanks for reading this far.
Yours in health,
F x