Grief.
It’s a hard one. Healing is not linear, not by any means.
Grief can take many forms, and alternate between them all in a topsy turvy, roller coaster ride. There’s no one size fits all. We all process it and deal with things in our own time and own way. There’s no right or wrong, nor is there a standard time period. It’s not like breaking an arm where you know you’ll be in for a certain amount of bone healing time, this is much, much different. Breaks of the heart can last a life time. As Paul Simon says in his graceland lyrics – “Losing love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees you’re blown apart, Everybody sees the wind blow”.
A friend of mine recently miscarried and she wrote this heartfelt piece that I wanted to share with you in the hopes that it may resonate and help someone. We all have friends, and possibly family too, who have gone through this, or perhaps have struggled on their fertility journey. So much of this goes unspoken. Please, let’s open up the conversation about it so women don’t have to feel like they’re going through it alone.
My friend writes;
This is a hard message for me to post so please no judgement.
My heart goes out to anyone who may be going through a similar situation.
How are you supposed to deal with grief if no one knows you are grieving?
This week should have been a celebration of successfully having our 12 week dating scan. Hearing ‘your babies heartbeat has stopped’ was like a knife through the heart.
Instead of celebrating I am trying to figure out how to move forward and get better with the grief and uncertainty of the future. I feel like the whole pregnancy journey prior to the ‘magic’ 12 week mark is such a difficult time. As soon as you see those two lines you feel like sharing the news with family and friends but society makes you feel like you aren’t supposed to talk about it. And then when it comes to the big word Miscarriage - society seems to make you feel like you aren’t supposed to talk about it either. So there you are - not able to share your joy of growing a little human with the rest of the world and then not able to talk about your grief, sadness and isolation when your pregnancy journey hasn’t worked out the way you had wished.
How are we as women supposed to deal with this kind of loneliness? 1 in 4 pregnancies result in miscarriage (unfortunately it is our 2nd) so be sure that you may know or have met a woman or mum who has gone through it. What I hope and wish for is for people to be able to open up and talk about it.
Some advice for someone who may not know what to do or say - just a simple ‘I am so sorry for your loss or I am here for you’ is all it needs. Don’t say ‘at least you know you can fall pregnant’ or ‘you already have a baby’. Be wary about asking ‘when are you having another one’ unless you know them very well - you never know how much heartache and struggle they may go through. She may have just come back from hospital.
Anyhow - apologies about this deep and depressing post however it has been on my mind for a wee while and I hope everyone can find a way to deal with their grief - for me being open about it makes dealing with it a lot easier.
It has been a couple of weeks now - I am slowly getting better. I am not posting this for sympathy but rather to say sharing and hearing other women’s stories helps.
Sending big love to anyone out there that has gone through, or is going through this.
xx